A Thought: Depression

patoraisu 10:12 , , , , , , , , , , , No comments
TRIGGER WARNING: depression, suicidal tendencies, foul words

Do you know someone who is having or had depression? A parent? A sibling? Aunt? Uncle? A friend, teacher, classmate? Or perhaps yourself?

 Did that person came to a point when he or she starts harming his or herself? What do you do, by then? Tell him inspirational quotes or do you look for the source?

 What if I tell you that I was one of them? Are you going to rant out and say, "you attention seeker," or worse, "attention whore"?

 Through the internet, I often see posts about depression and sad to say, 2 or more people comment to degrade that person, putting him or her lower. If you have nothing good to say, then stop because that person that you are throwing daggers at badly needs help.

 As I said earlier, I have been at that point, probably, you did too.
I was depressed when I was in sixth grade. The source? I was being bullied. I would wake up and I felt so frustrated that I was there. Alive. I go to school with fear about what the day holds for me. Early in the morning, I'd hear the boys in my class talk about me, or better yet, play games about me. Do you want me to go blunt? Do you know what they were playing? Spin the bottle. I know there's nothing wrong with that. How about the questions? Who would go to bed with me. Bluntly, who would have sex with me tonight?

 First of all, you must know that I was a shy, typical schoolgirl. I was a closed book. I don't talk much. Yes, I'm a wallflower. But how did I caught their attention? I am fat.

 Every time I get partnered with someone, expect the room to vibrate with laughter and shouts like, "bingo!", "jackpot!", and more mocking remarks.

 To put it short, I became the laughing stock of the batch.

 That's not all! I even lost my best friends! They left me probably because they were afraid of getting bullied, as well. Later on, I realized that they were also laughing at me even in my presence. That was one of my most heartbreaking experiences.
The year continued as my hair was pulled hastily and the person would say, "oops! I thought you were wearing a wig!"; they never went so close to me as if I caught a disease; I often eat by myself at the cafeteria;  they would throw chewed papers (with their saliva, of course) at me; they act as if I wasn't there - I was treated like garbage; they would mock me by saying, "this guy is crushing on you," and the list goes on.

 I had no one to talk to or approach, and it really feels lonely. Very lonely. My family? I detached myself from them. My best bet was a journal. That's where I write what I feel but that wasn't enough. I must do something to release my anger. I was angry because " I feel useless. I'm a waste of space and air. I don't deserve to be alive. I am angry because I can't protect myself. I am angry because I am a coward." Just... Why must I suffer this much? Everything went tumbling down in an instant. My aunt died because of depression; the bullying; my favorite grandfather died a month before my grade school graduation; my family crumbled apart. I don't know if I could handle it any longer! It's driving me crazy; insane!

 Eventually, my mom found out and contacted the school about the problem, and guess what? Nothing changed. And you know how that feels?! I feel as if I was a fucking option! I felt as if no one. Even. Fucking. Cares. I felt so betrayed because I felt relieved that maybe the bullying would cease since the teachers would stop it! But look what it fucking brought me. I was now labeled a coward. I. Felt. Worse. That made everything very worse.

 At that point, I know I'm depressed. I was furious for my school. They were against bullying but they can't even solve this?! On second year, I was already suicidal. I know that's the only thing that could relieve me and so, I cut myself. I was also planning to jump from the highest floor. I could already imagine screaming my heart out, my face covered with my bitter tears. I wanted to say how screwed up this school is! I thought telling them my problem would solve the issue. I was also psychotic as I imagined the faces of those who bullied me. I wanted to kill myself in front of them so that my committing suicide due to them would hopefully haunt them for the remainder of their lives.

 I was out of myself, even, that I accidentally blurted out to my sister that I cut myself. She told my mother afterwards.
For some reason, when my mother cried and saying how irresponsible she was, I felt as if someone actually cares. Unfortunately, I still had urges to self-inflict.

 Third year came but I was still being bullied. Until this girl came and told me this : "You need to fight for yourself! You shouldn't let them bully you like this." Whenever I remember those words, my tendency is to tear up because, I assure you, it made all the difference. I never knew that those simple words would serve as a wake-up call for me.

Wow! What a great feeling that is- to have all of that out.

 The purpose of this is to tell you that people who is suffering depression doesn't mean that it is not a big deal. Trust me, it is.

 Some people under depression doesn't want to go to psychologists since it makes them feel insane, or they feel like there's something wrong with them.
I often hear people say, "he won't kill himself, he is scared of blood," or "she is scared of heights, she won't jump," but on my point of view, I was scared of blood, even scared of heights but why was I able to almost take my own life? There's something about depression that could just remove that fear. Depressed people are often misunderstood and people often cover the worst-case scenarios just because of the depressed people's weaknesses.
Please. Please. Please. If you know someone with depression, tell them " I love you," and give them a warm hug. Tell them that you will always be by their side- and you must mean it, please swear that you mean it! I've been too scared to say those words to my aunt, until I never had the chance to actually tell her that. I was too late. I regretted that very moment, and I suffered from that thought. It's true that words could heal someone as much as it could hurt them. Those people who are suffering badly needs a companion, someone to talk to, at least to be reminded that they are not alone as they are fighting their own problem. Show them that you are not fighting for them , but fighting with them. Motivate them that all of these are just challenges and there is a way to end it. Don't use a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Please notice them, they are also human. We are sensitive.

 Generally, why not hug someone? Your parent who just came home from work, exhausted? A grandparent who loves to tell you stories? A classmate who had a rough day? A friend who has problems?

'We're here on planet Earth not to compete but to complete.'

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