“If I Leave The Door Open Again, I Beg You Don’t Break Me”
“If I Leave The Door Open Again, I Beg You Don’t Break Me”
By: Patrice Lavandero
“Sin with me,” and I felt the
adrenaline rush inside me and it made me see something I’ve never seen before.
I saw ‘us’ like this big, open book showing me the possibilities of our
relationship. I was nervous to surge the waves of uncertainty and brave the
storms of his imperfections but what can I do? I love this guy. You made me
feel different. You made me different. You made me discover who I am. Although,
this was a big step to go against my own oath and my parents’ to never get into
relationships before I graduate. The promises we’ve sung to each other that the
wait will be worth it as long as in the end, we’ll be with one another. We’ll
wake up held captive in each other’s arms. Someday, but not now; you told me we
could wait.
“Promise me. Promise me no secrets
no matter how heartbreaking or life-turning it is. No secrets.” That was
something we’ve established since the very start. And you gave me your word. We
unsheathed the insecurities, the secrets, the fears that we’ve had. I’d always
tell you I’m afraid of how foreign it feels and I was entering a territory I’ve
never entered but you said, “Don’t worry. I have you. I got you. I need you,
and I love you.”
We were best friends but we were
also lovers. I called you my faggot, you called me your nerd. I will call you
my weirdo, and you’ll tell me to take it back. I told you whenever I was crying
and you told me it’s okay to cry once in a while; you weren’t someone who stopped
me from what I’m feeling. There was no acting, just the real person that we
are. We stripped ourselves from our facades and set foot on our firsts. You
hated academics but you didn’t mind if I were to recite the law for you. I
asked you to be my partner in crime, and you obliged. And we’d crack a smile. Our
relationship was funny; it was weird. But weird is what we both love. It made
us distinct. It made us ‘us.’
You knocked on my door and for the
first time, I decided to leave it open. I did not let you in for you to break
me. I thought I was making the right choices; it turns out that it was still
wrong.
I remember those nights when you
would also whisper into my ears, “we are unstoppable.” Although, now I’ve realized that everything
will cease in the end. Something would stop us from being unstoppable. The
upbringing of a human being can be taken away as easy as their last sigh. It is
so easy to halt something with a flick of the finger; it is so mechanical.
I can’t believe those dazzling
blue eyes that turns silver when the sunlight strikes it would look into mine
and tell me those sweet lies. I can’t believe I bound your name with the love
songs I listen to every night and I’m just left with the scars and the remnants
of what used to be ‘us.’
No matter how beautiful our
relationship started off, I could see where it got us. It was you who lured me
in with your sugar-glazed words. I am in love with words but I always forget
that words can kill me as much as it can rise me from the ashes; it’s such a
beautiful silent killer.
I have come to a conclusion that
it might be because I am so incapable of being loved. Probably because of how I
lack so much as a person. Probably because I’m just so repulsive that even the
people I love leave. That’s the only thing that I could come up with. Don’t worry
about it.
My door will always be open for
you. If you really see nothing in me anymore, you can leave. Dear, do not
expect that there will never be any waterworks as you leave my door as I stare
at your back and as you walk away. Until you turn into a tiny figure that would
soon fade from the distance between us. I will be biting back the tears but to
no avail because it’s always like this. I always put you first. You. It’s
always you.
In the end, you’re someone who led
me to my death. I started dying when you told me those three simple words. I
started dying when you never looked back after that. You took time to kill me;
slow and smooth. Painful but sweet. A sinister remark. In the end, you made me
believe in mythical creatures; In the end, you will still be my siren and I
wouldn’t hesitate to take you back again. Say your goodbyes. I’ll say mine
later.
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